DEAR ALI: ‘How Do I Start a Relationship?’

Dear Ali,

“This general lack of dating means many young adults don’t even know how to get a relationship started.”

This quote was pulled from the same USA Today article I wrote about last week entitled, ‘Is Dating Dead?’, which made the case that traditional dating among young adults just isn’t happening as frequently as it used to. Let’s assume for the sake of discussion that this lack-of-dating trend does in fact have some truth to it and is causing a lack of ‘know how’ in the start-up phase of relationships among young adults today. If that is the case, let’s tackle the question:

How does one go about getting a romantic relationship started?

Dear Reader,

The answer to this question isn’t so cut and dry. There is no real formula or hard set of rules, as there are tons of variable that come into play, such as: age and stage of life, background, baggage, geographical location, culture, theological views, etc. But I will share from within a Biblical framework, what I think are some guiding principals in starting up a romantic relationship. Since I am of the belief that men and women have different roles to play in this process, I will break it down separately for both genders:

MEN as Initiators:

Pray. If you’re feeling ready for a relationship, it would be good to start by consulting God on the matter. Ask God two questions: 1) Am I ready for a relationship? 2) If so, who should I consider? One of my favorite verses is “Seek first his Kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well” (Matthew 6:33). When we seek Him first and ask Him for guidance before acting, He will direct us and show us what steps to take or not take.

Pursue. If and only when you get the ‘go ahead’ from God, it is my understanding from the Scriptures that the men are to initiate. Proverbs 18:22 says, “He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the Lord.” This suggests there should be a process of looking for and finding someone with whom to pursue a relationship; someone who exhibits enough potential to become a wife. So men, turn over your fear of rejection to God and start finding. And don’t ever forget this: no matter what women say, we love being pursued!

Purpose. Once the pursuit of someone has begun, there should be a purpose stated from the outset. What is that purpose? That purpose should be to explore the possibility of marriage. God Himself said, “It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him” (Genesis 2:18). Dating is about finding that helper that God made suitable just for you and communicating that to the person you are pursuing. This may sound super serious and intense. Some might even argue that being so intentional and forward from the get-go takes the fun and mystery out of it. But it doesn’t have to. You can still keep the relationship playful and lighthearted in the beginning, but letting the girl know that you are not just ‘playing around’ shows you respect her and are taking her feelings seriously. And men, trust me when I say: this will make women even more attracted to you. I repeat: this will make women even more attracted to you. We love men who are intentional and who take the lead. Are you writing this down? LOL.

Pace. The tendency in a budding relationship when emotions are running high, is to put the ‘pedal to the metal’, running the danger of becoming too close too fast! Getting to know someone new takes time. It is through real life situations over a period of time, that a person’s true colors will come out. Learning to see a relationship as a marathon, rather than a sprint, will help you pace it differently. Is it possible to maintain a sprint for 26 miles straight? Only a fool would try such a thing (a.k.a me in my first marathon)! Remember the wise words found in 1 Corinthians 13:4, “Love is patient…” Simple, yet so profound. Remember that erring on the side of going too slow, is better than erring on the side of going to fast. Pace is everything in a long race. Don’t screw it up.

Protect. I heard a story recently where a guy was certain he had heard from God that this girl he was pursuing was ‘the one.’ Within a week of starting to date her, he told her this bit of information. She got excited at the thought, though she needed time to get to know him first. He then proceeded a few weeks later to take her to look at rings and continued to plant the idea that she was definitely the one he had been praying for all those years. Again, she was excited (the natural response of any woman!) but still hadn’t had the chance to hear from God on her own. Just as she was coming around to the idea, he abruptly broke things off with her, saying ‘It must not have been God’s will after all.” She was crushed. Not only did she lose the guy she was falling in love with, but she lost the dream of marrying him as well–a double whammy. Guys, this is not a good example of guarding a woman’s heart. Note: we are very emotionally-driven beings and many of us dream and fantasize from a very young age about our wedding day. I know, it’s sounds crazy to you, but just know that’s what you are dealing with. So can you please be gentle with our hearts and mindful of how you handle them? If you think you are hearing God tell you she is ‘the one’, be sensitive to the timing of sharing that information. Pray and ask God for wisdom and ask Him to allow her to get a confirmation in her heart too, if it is in fact His will that you marry. Building up plans and expectations for marriage and then not following through is like a dragging a woman’s heart through the wringer.

Pray. You’ll notice this list is sort of like a ‘prayer sandwich.’ It is crucial to remain prayerful in the beginning of a relationship and throughout. Continue to ask God for wisdom, direction and insight into the person you are getting to know. God promises to help us through life, “For I am the Lord your God, who says to you, ‘Do not fear, I will help you’” (Isaiah 41:13). It’s up to you to let Him.

WOMEN as Responders:

Pray. Same as with the men, if you are feeling ready to be in a relationship, consult God and ask Him if you are ready. For women, the questions would be: 1) Lord, am I ready for a relationship? 2) What kind of person should I consider to date? If your relationship and identity are firmly rooted in God and He gives you the ‘okay’ to be considering a relationship, put your full trust in Him to determine the what, when, where and with whom (More on this in my book, Entrusting the Key: From Serial Dating to Joyful Waiting). This will bring you under His umbrella of grace, protecting you from making poor dating decisions, preparing you for the season of relationship/marriage, and giving you the patience to wait for His leading.

Perceive. Once you have prayerfully asked God what kind of person He would have you be with (check previous posts on this topic), keep your eyes open to men that God might put in your path. Practice hearing God by asking for wisdom and discernment, and asking Him to give you His eyes to see people how He sees them, rather than being ‘too picky’ based on your own preferences. The Bible tells us that God gives generously to those who ask for wisdom (James 1:5). Be open to how God might direct your heart and try and maintain a certain level of flexibility. He may turn your romantic antenna toward someone you didn’t expect!

Put Out Signals. Yes, I said it: put out signals ladies! As in, don’t be afraid to respond to someone who is showing interest in you. Or, if there is someone in your midst to whom you are attracted, putting out some ‘vibes’ may encourage him to initiate something with you. Don’t get me wrong, I am not promoting promiscuous flirtation with misguided motives. No! But I think as women, we can do a better job of showing a little reciprocation to someone who has shown some initiative. Laugh, giggle, make eye contact, whatever…just allow yourself to be expressive of what you are feeling and sensing inside (within reason of course). Sometimes I think the reason why men don’t pursue more is because we are so busy being all holy moly and in love with Jesus (which we are of course), but we lose touch with how to interact and engage with the opposite sex. Responding positively and learning to relate on a level other than friendship can be a good, godly and healthy thing! Guys are human too and it takes a lot of guts to pursue someone new, so a little affirmation on our part is probably much appreciated, right guys? That is, if you are genuinely interested. If not, be just as honest the other way and kindly tell them, sooner rather than later.

Purity. You might find it odd that I am talking about purity right after ‘putting out signals.’ Both are equally important in the process of starting a new relationship and work hand in hand. Putting out signals as a way of responding to someone pursuing should always be done with a pure heart and motives. We are instructed to be holy in all we do (1 Peter 1:15). This means we should be mindful of how we dress, speak and conduct ourselves in the company of the opposite sex. Does this mean we have to dress like nuns and shun all means of beautifying ourselves? Heavens no! God created us to express our beauty in unique and creative ways and delights in His own creation. With this said however, we should also be mindful of the fact that men are wired differently that we are. For example, they are visual beings and have a stronger biological sex drive than we do. Therefore, we need to understand that the way we dress and interact can really stumble a brother if we are not careful. Just as men should protect our hearts from unrealistic fantasy and expectation, we should protect them in this area of sexual temptation.

Patience. It is easy to jump 10 steps ahead of ourselves (and God!) when we start feeling those fluttery butterflies in the early stages of getting to know someone new. C’mon gals, you know what I’m talkin’ about: before the first date even ends, we have already imagined ourselves in our wedding dress, walking down the isle, where the honey moon will be and how many kids we will have with..what’s his name again? He could just maybe, possibly, hopefully be ‘the one’ right? LOL. I have no idea why on earth God wired us this silly way (well, actually Genesis does a pretty good job of explaining it) but He did. So that means we have to really seek Him in prayer to help us stay in the present and not get ahead of ourselves. We’ve really got to be diligent about turning every thought, dream, desire, expectation and/or fantasy over to God, trusting that He will bring about His plans for the relationship in His timing, if it is His will. Tip: take the pressure off yourself to have to ‘know’ right away whether you’re going to marry the guy you are getting to know and just enjoy the process of getting to know him as a person! Easier said than done, I know. Patience, my dear sister, is the key to receiving the fullness of His provision and blessing! I am taking my own advice as I write this.

Pray. Entering into a new relationship is fun and exciting. At least it should be – that’s how God designed His sacred union! But we should be careful never to let that relationship come before God or substitute time with Him at any point. We must remain vigilant in staying connected to Him each day and keeping ourselves aligned with the awesome Truth of His Word, so that we can be led by His wisdom and His understanding and not the thumpity-thump-thump of our own hearts. He will unfold each and every desire of our hearts in ways we could never even ask for or imagine, as long as we truly ask and desire that His will, not our own, be done!

How did you like those prayer sandwiches? Starting and building a good, healthy, god-centered relationship is no easy task. But when viewed in the proper light, it can be seen as an opportunity to learn more about yourself and someone new, as well as grow more in the likeness of Jesus along the way. Fortunately, we don’t have to go at it alone either. We serve a God who promises to take us by the hand and lead us by His Spirit in all things–even our love pursuits. But it is up to us to let Him!

Will you?

Feel free to share your responses to this post in the comments section. Thanks and looking forward to hearing your thoughts!

With Love,

Ali

DEAR ALI: “What are some ‘RED FLAGS’ I should avoid?”

DEAR ALI,

I just got out of a destructive relationship and am still facing the consequences of hurt, pain, distrust, abuse and more. I kept trying to be ‘forgiving’ when things would happen, hoping he would keep his promises to change, but he didn’t. I guess my question is, what are some of the ‘red flags’ that I should not put up with and how can I have the courage to leave when I recognize these things?

Dear Reader,

Thank you dear sister for this challenging question. I know it is not always ‘black and white’ when we are in the midst of something, especially when your heart is involved. So the first thing I would say, is don’t beat yourself up. We can be thankful that God gave you the strength to leave when you did, which spared you from future hurt down the road. I would advise seeking professional counseling if there is deeper healing that needs to take place. As you do this, take Paul’s words of advice of “Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead…pressing on toward the goal to win the prize” for which God has called you heavenward in Christ Jesus (Philippians 3:13-14). Press forward, asking God to heal you and show you what you can learn about yourself and His design for relationships. Ask Him to make you whole in Him so that you will never again choose to endure another abusive relationship like the one you just got out of.

Now to your question about what are some practical attributes in a person that may serve as RED FLAGS to watch out for. The ones that go beyond the typical ‘minor imperfection’ category and into the ‘watch out’ category. Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend in their book Boundaries in Dating (which I have highly recommended for the last three weeks!), point to David’s Psalm 101 for some clues:

I will be careful to lead a blameless life— 
 when will you come to me? I will conduct the affairs of my house 
   with a blameless heart. 
I will not look with approval 
 on anything that is vile. I hate what faithless people do; 
 I will have no part in it. The perverse of heart shall be far from me; 
 I will have nothing to do with what is evil. Whoever slanders their neighbor in secret, 
 I will put to silence; 
whoever has haughty eyes and a proud heart, 
 I will not tolerate. My eyes will be on the faithful in the land, 
 that they may dwell with me; 
the one  whose walk is blameless 
 will minister to me. No one who practices deceit 
 will dwell in my house; 
no one who speaks falsely 
 will stand in my presence.

First, David implies the importance of character, beginning with a look at yourself and the way you lead your own life. That is absolutely crucial to be honest with ourselves first, before we can slap any expectations on anyone else!

From there, he says he avoids:

• Vile things
• Faithlessness
• Perversity
• Evil
• Slander
• Pride
• Haughtiness
• Deceit and/or lying
• Wickedness

These things can take many shapes and forms in real life, but most would agree that David’s list involves qualities that are likely to cause more harm than good in people and relationships. Dr. Townsend and Cloud say, “If you encounter such things in a person you are dating, then they are weighty indeed and you should be very, very careful.”

Other RED LIGHTS they list as traits that are destructive in relationships are:

• Acts like he has it all together, instead of admitting weakness or imperfection
• Religious instead of spiritual
• Defensive instead of open to feedback
• Apologizes more than changes
• Avoids facing problems
• Refuses to work on problems
• Has visible addictions
• Avoids closeness
• Controlling
• Condemns
• Jealous or suspicious

If there are some of these patterns showing up in a person you are with, consider asking them to seek counsel from someone you trust. If they are unwilling to face issues and problems and/or get help, as the Doc’s say, “Watch out!” These are patterns that could persist and cause great harm to you in the long run.

We must remember that God’s command to us all is to ‘bear fruit’ in all we do, even in our relationships. Jesus says everything is known by the fruit it produces–good or bad (Matthew 12:33). So it is good to ask ourselves, “Is this relationship bearing mostly good fruit or bad fruit?” Good fruit in a relationship would be making each other feel loved, respected and valued, laughing and having fun together, dealing with problems in a healthy manner, encouraging each other in their faith and their calling in Christ, and challenging each other to grow in Christ likeness, exhibiting and growing in the ‘fruits’ of the Holy Spirit, like peace, love, joy, patience, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, self-control (Galatians 5:22-23).

To the contrary, if you are with a person who uses abusive or harsh language, puts you down, leaves you feeling bad about yourself, or fearful about his actions and reactions, then that would be considered ‘bad fruit’ in the eyes of God and He never intended you to have to put up with those things.

I understand it can be difficult to leave a person when you feel an emotional attachment to them. Here are some tips that can help give you strength to do the right thing when you are in a destructive relationship:

Pray Continually. The most important thing is that we stay connected to God. The Bible instructs us to “pray continually…” (1 Thess. 5:17). Pour your heart out to God and ask Him for wisdom, guidance and strength to navigate through the situation by the power of His Holy Spirit.

Soak in His Truth. Often times when we are involved in destructive or abusive relationship, it rubs off on us and permeates our thoughts, attitudes and perspectives about ourselves and life. We must re-align our thinking with the TRUTH of God’s Word and His character. As we let the Word soak back into our hearts, we will be reminded that we are fearfully and wonderfully made in His image, holy vessels made for His noble purposes! Getting our thinking and self-worth back on track can help in navigating us back to healthy lifestyle and relationship choices.

Share Your Burden. God never intended us to bear life’s burdens on our own. He instructs us to share our burden with Him first and foremost (Matthew 11:28, 1 Peter 5:7) AND with our community. When we are feeling down and out during or after a relationship, have the courage to let your loved ones in and lean on them for strength, love and wisdom. To refuse help from others is to refuse love that God could be pouring through someone directly to you. Learn to receive it and then give it back when you are strong and another person is in need!

Seek Professional Help. Enduring an abusive relationship may cause deeper harm than you can handle on your own. Pray to God alone and with others to see where He may direct you to get some professional help. God tells us in His Word, “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him” (James 1:5). Be sure not to enter into another relationship until deep wounds from your past relationship are dealt with.

Sorry this post got a bit long! But this topic of how to avoid RED FLAGS and how to have the strength to walk away is a prevalent one, even in the church. I pray dear sister (or brother) that you got something out of this series of ‘What to Look for in a Mate” and that it might help in making wise and Spirit-led decisions in the future. It has helped me, as I learn and grow along with you.

Have comments or thoughts to add? Do it right here and join in the conversation! Also post questions or topics you would like to see addressed on this blog in the upcoming weeks and months ahead. Thanks for stopping by and having a wonderful weekend!

With Love,

Ali

DEAR ALI: ‘Why are so many godly women at my church staying single?’

Dear Ali,

I am one of your male readers and really enjoyed your book! I also know a lot of people in my church who share similar ecclesiastical considerations as you. They trust God for a mate. They keep prayer journals. They try to engage in “joyful waiting.” But they remain single. Why is this so?

Dear (male) Reader,

Thank you for your boldness in writing in! And for your honest, real and very relevant question regarding single women in the church. I cannot give you an exact answer as to why women in your church remain single, but I will attempt to share my thoughts on this from my own experience and from trends I have observed in various churches  both in Asia and the US.

Here are several reasons why I think prolonged singleness could be prevalent in the Body of Christ:

God’s Timing. Why is it that some women who have surrendered their hearts to God and have resolved to wait on Him for His choosing of a spouse don’t get married until they are well into their thirties and forties or even beyond? Did God forget about them? For many if not most women in waiting, this sounds like their worst nightmare! But when you ask the women who did marry later, they usually have nothing to say other than “God’s timing really is perfect!” If God calls us to something, He will enable us by His grace and power of His Holy Spirit not only to survive, but to live victoriously through it! It may not make sense. It may not have been easy to wait that long. It may not have been according to the the time frame in which they had wished or hoped. The whole timing thing is one big mystery. But one thing is for sure: God’s grace IS sufficient in all things! Surrendering our entire hearts to Him means we must surrender our own time clocks, trusting that He will provide for all our needs–emotional, physical, and spiritual–in each season He brings us through. If he does call us into marriage later than what is considered ‘normal’ by societal standards, we can rest under the blanket of His love knowing that His higher purposes are at work and that He is making everything beautiful in its time (Ecclesiastes 3:11).

Not called to Marriage. I do know a few women who truly feel ‘called’ to remain single. The Apostle Paul calls singleness a ‘gift’ (1 Corinthians 7:7) and for those who choose to remain single, they see it as so. With that said, God also says ‘it is not good for man to be alone’ (Genesis 2:18). I believe that if a woman has a sincere desire for marriage, it should be viewed as a good and godly desire. To these women, I say: continue to ‘delight yourself in the Lord’ and believe He will give you the desires of your heart (Psalm 37:4). It is this delighting in Him and spending time in His presence that you can count on God strengthening this desire to ‘become one’ with another man (Matthew 19:6) or He will enable you to embrace and enjoy the gift of singleness.

Lack of Men Pursuing. One trend that seems to be happening in the mainline protestant churches, is a lack of pursuit from the male side. Sorry men! And I am not just making this up. In her book, Where Have All The Good Men Gone? A.J. Kiesling reports her findings from an in-depth survey of 120 single Christian women. What was their most common complaint about men? Kiesling reports: “Over and over I heard the words, ‘I wish men would step up to the plate and take a risk in asking me out.’” If this isn’t enough, the Bible says, “He who FINDS a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22). What are you waiting for men? Get going!

Over-guarding of Hearts. With that being said on the male side, we can’t pin all the blame on them! Women, we have our part to play too. One trend that seems to be prevalent on the female side of this relationship equation is when a woman is interested in a man, she refrains from giving him any external signals. Yes, we are called to ‘guard our hearts’ (Proverbs 4:23) and there is wisdom in this no doubt about it. But we shouldn’t take it to mean disengaging with the opposite sex all together. Though there are times when God does ask us to refrain from engagement so that a period of personal growth and establishing a spiritual foundation can take place, we need to be attentive to when God is moving us into a new season–a season of being pursued. When we get this nudge from God, and perhaps even from a male of interest, I believe it is our responsibility to reciprocate external signs of interest, if in fact here is some. If the men are bold enough to pursue, then we can at least do them a favor and encourage them by letting them know it is mutual. This can take the form of many different expressions, such as verbal communication, laughter and playfulness, making a point to sit next to the person, etc. Engaging with potential males of interest and forming friendships with them is a healthy thing and can start the ball rolling in the direction of a healthy dating or courting (whichever term you prefer) relationship. (more on this in future posts!)

Waiting Passively, rather than Actively. Sometimes we have this notion that ‘waiting on God’ means sitting on our bums and twiddling our thumbs. But I think this is a false way of thinking of it. Yes, we do wait in the sense that we allow God to reveal the person and timing of when a relationship it is to happen. But what we do in the ‘in-between’ time is up to us. We are instructed to love God with all our heart, mind, strength and soul (Luke 10:27). And that we are to live life abundantly in Him (John 10:10). I take this to mean that we are to be pursuing a lifestyle full of His activity and purpose, whether we are single or not. This could mean investing in new friendships, pursuing passions, serving in ministry, spending time studying God’s Word. My season of waiting has been my most active and fruitful yet and I am so grateful for it! My prayer has always been, “Lord, help me to live out this special season to the fullest so I can look back and not have once ounce of regret.”

Unrealistic Expectations. Have you ever heard that song by Amy Grant, “Hope Set High”? (check it out here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5_9r8XTryO0). It’s one of my favorites! We should set our hopes high when it comes to expecting things from God. But we must check where our hopes lie. They should be in our God who in all things and at all times, promises to provide for all our needs (2 Corinthians 9:8), NOT in hoping for a perfect mate. Perhaps some women are remaining single longer because they have painted this unrealistic picture in their head of what their husband will look like. Don’t get me wrong, I believe God loves to bless us as His children and answer the desires of our hearts. But there are times when our desires are not rooted in Him and we are just being too darn picky! Trust me, I have been guilty of this myself. But I will say that my so-called ‘list’ of traits and characteristics that I desire in a husband has continued to evolve as God continues to give me new insights into His Word. Our desires change as we mature in our faith and begin to reflect more of who God is. My prayer has been and continues to be, “Lord, please show me what kind of person I should consider in a mate… show me what matters to You….I only want what You want.” When our prayers reflect our earnest desire to live out His will for our lives, we can receive the treasure of a promise found in Hebrews 11:6, “He rewards those diligently seek Him.”

In summary, each one of us (both men and women) is called to put our full trust in God to provide for us in every area of our lives–including our love lives. While the reasons for godly women remaining single longer is somewhat of a mystery, there are practical things we can do to live out the principles laid out in God’s Word in more meaningful and effective ways, thus further transforming us from the inside out in the process. So let’s continue to ‘spur one another on’ (Hebrews 10:24) towards living lives that are pleasing and honorable in His sight, especially as it relates to this crazy, mysterious and wildly adventurous thing called love.

Feel free to join the conversation with your thoughts, comments and further questions!

With Love,

Ali